Timothy DeLizza
Announcing Our “Goats for American Professionals” Covid-19 Initiative!
We at the Zoroaster Global North Fund have recently become aware that white-collar strongholds are not immune to the impacts of Covid-19. Recent reporting in regional papers such as the New York Times suggest that no job is safe and there’s “nowhere to hide” professionally. The Times reports that the impacted group includes lawyers, bankers, dentists, celebrities, professors and others who have long generously donated to Global South initiatives in response to regional needs.
With all due respect to the Times’ reporting, we believe America still has one untapped safe industry. Indeed, we have consulted state-of-the-art studies by on-the-ground experts uniquely knowledgeable about the American economic terrain, and who—having trained in the finest Western international development programs—have determined exactly what is right for impacted American professionals:
Did you guess?
A goat!
In response to this urgent crisis, we are honored to announce our new initiative in response to Covid-19, “Goats for American Professionals,” available solely to recently impacted white-collar Americans.
Finally, your very own goat, which can serve as a bridge to financial independence and fulfilment!
Did you know that your country, the United States of America, is mostly countryside? Feeding your goat will be practically free. It can be used to make milk, kefir, or artisanal cheese at your local farmers’ market.
Several participants have banded together to lease out their goats as lawnmowers for hard-to-mow terrain, including iconic locations such as Congressional Cemetery in Washington DC, your nation’s capital.
And we will not leave you alone to tend your goat! Along with our program, we provide the Goats for American Professionals app (“GAP-App”), produced through countless hours of design-thinking to provide a user-centric experience. GAP-App includes access to fun, engaging training videos in your native language, message boards for connecting with fellow participants and local program volunteers, and a stipend that can be used to purchase goat food and supplies, all of which can be utilized while safely socially distancing.
We look forward to serving you, and doing our small part to assist American white-collar professionals impacted by Covid-19.
Sincerely,
Your Friends at the Zoroaster Global North Fund
Answers to Commonly Asked Questions:
1. Is the goat provided legally mine?
Eventually, yes! However, you will not be given sole ownership of your goat until you’ve demonstrated acceptable basic proficiency at goat-tending through tests taken via the GAP-App and periodic in-person visits by program volunteers.
This is both for you and your goat’s own good. In American terms, think of the requirement this way: when you are first given physical possession of the goat you now have your driver’s license “Learner’s Permit.”
Only later—after you’ve passed your herding exam—are you given permanent ownership. Please note that we always retain a limited right to repossess the goat if our volunteers believe he or she is being mistreated. This happens rarely!
2. Can goats contract Covid-19?
Some preliminary data suggests Covid-19 can be transmitted to livestock, but information is currently limited. However, walking around with a goat will certainly help with social distancing in crowded cities!
If you believe your goat has contracted Covid-19, you will need to contact local medical authorities. We make no representations as to animal health and do not provide any goat health care after the “learner’s permit” stage of goat-tending.
3. Do I need to convert to Zoroastrianism to qualify for a goat?
Absolutely not, and we advise you to be suspicious of any agency that requires conversion as a condition for aid!
The Zoroaster Global North Fund is, as you may expect, funded largely by excited followers of Zoroastrianism, one of the world’s oldest continuously practiced religions and a source of wonderful solace to us in troubled times. You may notice that your goat has been given a name associated with Zoroastrian culture. For example, don’t be surprised if your goat is named Humata (“good thoughts), Huxta (“good words”), or Huvarshta (“good deeds”), the words for the threefold path followed by most Zoroastrians, leading us to global charitable ventures like this one!
We are often approached by participants with questions about Zoroastrianism, and we welcome open discussion. However, you are by no means required to convert to Zoroastrianism to qualify for support.
Many of our volunteers are completely secular or only identify as culturally Zoroastrian! If you happen to already be a follower of Zoroastrianism, or are interested in becoming one, please let us know. This information will not impact the outcome of the application, but we are happy to learn of people’s interests. We are enthusiastic about your participation regardless and want you to be enthusiastic about your goat.
4. Is the goat really free?
Absolutely! No repayment necessary, ever. Your only obligation is to the goat itself. We may ask you to voluntarily help us spread the word. For example, we partner with local Zoroaster schools and hospitals in America, and you may be contacted for photo ops for donors or other publicity opportunities (to help raise funds for more goats!)
5. Is it possible to receive other animals, or cash, instead of a goat?
Under our charter, we are not authorized to provide assistance other than goats, but we believe this is the correct response to the current crisis. While many philosophies exist as to how to best assist white-collar American professionals, the “Goats for American Professionals” concept came out of a social entrepreneurship incubator panel which carefully analyzed the needs of the American market. Through that process, our innovation experts have determined that goat-tending is the best way to help white-collar American professionals obtain long-term financial independence. Trust us and read our testimonials by your fellow American professionals who have participated already. We think you will be surprised by the consistent results.
Timothy DeLizza lives in Baltimore, MD. He recommends donating cash via Give Directly's Covid-19 response rather than giving a goat. https://www.givedirectly.org/