David Galef
Phase 1A
high-risk hospital workers
low-risk hospital administrators
big risk-takers: gamblers; those who text while driving
EMS workers
ESM, SME, and BDSM workers
healthcare providers
careful providers: Amazon executives
providers who care: Mummy, Daddy
essential doctors
doctors specializing in cosmetic enhancement
even optometrists
opportunistic relatives of doctors
long-term care residents
correctional facility residents
over my dead body
Phase 1B
law enforcement personnel
law enforcement victims
firefighters
other fighters (for social justice and truth)
people with co-morbid conditions
people who think morbid thoughts
those over 75
people who look over 75
people who claim to be over 75 to sell their makeup line
Phase 1C
essential workers (transit, food—even the 7-Eleven clerk with the purple faux-hawk)
workers who are essential depending on your point of view
first responders
second responders
third-rate responders
second-party vendors
the party of the first part
educators with tenure
for adjunct instructors, see Phase 1Z
Phase 1D
nice people, including but not restricted to
the volunteer crossing guard who always waves hello
the neighbor who looks after your cat when you go on a trip
adults who throw back your ball after it lands in their yard
people who seem as if they’re important
Porsche drivers
those who shop at Vera Wang
Phase 1E
psychics
ghosts, phantoms, ghouls
extraterrestrials
Republicans
tenth-raters
people who tell waitresses to unmask, honey, so we can see your pretty face
Phase Zero
Florida residents convicted of throwing an alligator through a drive-through window
Florida residents pardoned by Governor DeSantis
Governor DeSantis
David Galef has published humor in places ranging from the old British Punch and The New York Times to McSweeney's, Weekly Humorist, Inside Higher Ed, and many more. Day job: creative writing program director at Montclair State University; his website is www.davidgalef.com; Twitter: @dgalef.
Who’ll Be The Next In Line ::: The Kinks
I Am Waiting ::: Ollabelle
Lucky Number ::: Lene Lovich
Virus Called The Blues ::: Charles Brown & Dr John
Shot of Love ::: Bob Dylan
Hit Me With Your Best Shot ::: Pat Benatar
The Waiting ::: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers